Don’t Be That Guy

This summer’s Olympic Games were just the distraction I needed after what was a terrible break up, multiple relocations and a life put on hold. And along with millions of others, I stalked Michael Phelps as he scooped up each medal after every amazing swim. It was just what we all needed. A knight to swoop in and make us forget the election for a few weeks, the ongoing war and pave the way fro some fresh talent…a generation was finally coming of age!

From his body, to his dorky grin, to the gratuitous man cleavage shots of his lower extremities, I marveled at this specimen of the male genus that I didn’t think could exist. Here was a guy who loved his Mom, his sister, had a girlfriend and worked his ass off to achieve an amazing goal…it was just what I needed after living with a 30-year old man child who would rather fondle a bong than me.

Count me in!

That narrative was a good one, but apparently even too good for Phelps himself. Now I don’t need the man to be perfect mind you, a guy is a guy and after what he just pulled off, hes entitled to throw a few back and act like the proud man he should be. He’s sacrificed a lot, but just like after soldiers return from war, adjusting to “life after” is a bit of a head spin, one can only imagine.

So once I saw the pics of Phelps ripping a binger, I knew it was over. The love affair I had with this unicorn of a man was not only over, it was probably a farce. And while part of me shrugged and said “Hey, hes young”, theres this other part of me that is like “awwww cummon!!!”

I could nose dive into a b*tch-fest about man-children and how a generation of good men are being laid waste to weed or video games, but its not that simple to me. Plus women are guilty of their own immature bs so its a fair fight between the sexes as far as I’m concerned. Girls Gone Wild pretty much relegates an entire generation of women inert when it comes to lobbing the dunce hat on men, its a priveleged we abused and have now forfeited.

But I look at Phelps and am just struck by how lame this is getting and I don’t think its excusable, fascinating, nor is it funny. This guy asked for it.   But so did Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods though and do you see them huffing burnt plant embers? Aw helllll NO.  So why the need Mikie P?!  Why the need to front like this?  Why the feelings of inadequacy and need to catch up on partying (you didn’t miss anything I assure you!) You are becoming a poster child for Baltimorons and giving me one more reason to prefer VA over MD.

Don’t you realize you are pretty much encouraging deadbeat dudes all over the world to perpetuate their placid state of excuse – making and sloth? People are fantasizing about your lung capacity for Pete’s sake…they aren’t even talking about your medals anymore. I’m not starting a fight over the legality or health risks of pot mind you, lets not go there, but the collective behavior is just frickin sad. Doesn’t this run entirely against your brand and the purpose of your own life? Call Dr. Phil, because this boy needs to be b*tch slapped.

Future Phelps

Between the tacky hoodies, the even more rediculous string of sluts hes been dating and lame antics at nightclubs, Phelps is doing a really lame version of Leonardo DiCaprio circa 1995. Instead of preparing to see him on United Way ads, I am waiting nervously for the first naked shots of him cross dressed in a Las Vegas hotel room and then hearing about how he trashed the joint.

Some great and very classy folks were once “That Guys” though. Look at what Johnny Depp has managed to do, or Robert Downey Jr. They turned mug shots and trashed hotel rooms into great PR, but I guess that is just not what I had hoped for in Phelps. Phelps was my antidote to all the stupid waste of time Gen-X, Y or Echo Boomer man children that I had either dated, enabled or placated. He was proof that there are men out there trying to make it happen and deciding that yard glasses and tacky sideways hats were over.

The altar of sports legends was waiting for you Michael, and this is a great opportunity for you to sober up and get your sh*t together. Let’s hope this is just your short burst of flirtation with appearing to be dumber than you are. Don’t be an even bigger douche and talk about an “error in judgment”. Come clean and tell us what we already know, that you have been on a bender but its over. You are one newscast shy of an ESPN “Behind the Medals” special report my friend, start classin it up and finishing the job you started.

The Hotness Needs To Come Correct

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