An Unspeakable Act
As I’ve written, its very hard for me to talk about my artwork. I read in Smithsonian magazine that it Pollack refused to talk about his work, which was conforting to read. Not that I’m Pollack….
We can wiki and research anything these days, find out the origins of any idea or tease out the psychology of someones thought or belief without even knowing them which makes me more attracted to the silent treatment method. Its surprising for me, considering I am known to be a chatterbox about pretty much anything. But not being able to talk about my work sort of feels nice, it lets me know that despite my counselor’s suggestions, that I do have boundaries and private areas of my heart and mind that belong to me and no one else.
I know, I know, art is meant to be shared and that I should go to art school to learn how to invite others into my weird little world, but there’s a real part of me that doesnt want to, which is why its hard for me to put my work up on the Intertron or even sell it. I am speaking when I paint, so why ad words, titling my work is hard enough. Art is where I communicate nonverbally, about things that cant be put into words, so why do I then need to torture myself by trying to name something that just is. Does everything have to have a category to be understood? I thought that was why art existed, to inspire or provoke thought not to tell someone what to believe.
It makes me really happy to paint or draw, like the kind of quiet happy that you enjoy on Christmas morning when you are the first one up. Im allowed to be an introvert when Im working, Im most at peace with quiet (which is as some of you know hard for me) and it is where I feel most loved. My work has a way of showing itself to me, and in some cases some of my pieces have taken years to show themselves to me or define themselves.
For example, I had no idea what I was painting when I first sketched this one out
but now nearly two years later I think about what I was going through and am able to see what was happening. Perhaps that is why its so hard for me to talk about it, the production cycle may be short, but my process works in reverse: create then define.
The id is voiceless, it doesn’t use language and is largely considered a negative aspect of our composition as humans. But for me, theres something comforting in that. I talk a lot. Like A LOT. But you want to shut me up, stick a canvas in front of me and its like a staredown or a game of chicken. And like most artists, probably a mirror too.